“Why are you so moody?” “Did you gain weight because of menopause?” 

While often said in passing, these seemingly innocent questions can hit a nerve for some women experiencing menopause, leaving them feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. I’m not saying every person will be offended, but you don’t know who will be. And even if someone’s not offended, why ask a question that’s insensitive.

So here’s what to do. Instead of prying, shift your approach. Offer support without assumptions. Be respectful, empathetic and understanding instead of invasive and nosy.

Being respectful, empathetic and understanding helps avoid adding to the stigmas and misunderstandings about menopause. It makes women feel supported rather than judged or embarrassed. Essentially, when you’re sensitive in how you ask about menopause, it builds trust, encourages open conversation, and helps women feel better during this big sometimes uncomfortable shift in their lives.

Here are ten questions you should avoid asking someone who may be experiencing menopause:

1. Isn’t it just like having a bad period?

First off, menopause is not a period. So comparing menopause to menstruation minimizes the experience and challenges of menopause, which can include a wide range of symptoms and hormonal fluctuations and shifts. If you want to know about menopause, asking what is menopause might be a good place to start.

2. Aren’t you too young (or old) for menopause?

Menopause can occur at various ages and for various reasons. From ovarian insufficiency to total hysterectomies, or gender reassignment surgery, etc.. So questioning someone’s age in relation to menopause can feel intrusive, judgmental and simply disrespectful. Don’t do it.

3. Have you gained weight because of menopause?

Stop it. Commenting on or questioning someone’s body changes can be very personal and sensitive. It’s best to avoid discussions about weight unless initiated by the person experiencing menopause.

4. Why are you so moody?

For good reason. Hormonal changes during menopause can affect mood. So being condescending and labeling these mood swings as problematic can be dismissive of the real experiences and feelings folks are dealing with.

5. Are you having hot flashes right now?

I get that you may mean no harm or disrespect. In fact, you may be concerned. But pointing out someone’s symptoms, especially in public or in an insensitive manner, can be embarrassing and uncomfortable. Perhaps you can simply ask, “are you ok?”

6. Is menopause really that bad?

This can sound a bit dismissive and belittling. Each person’s experience with menopause is unique, and the challenges can be difficult. Some people have very mild symptoms while others have extremely unbearable symptoms.

7. Aren’t you relieved you won’t have periods anymore?

There’s no telling who is and who isn’t. So this is not a question you should ask. While some may feel relief, others might feel a sense of loss or sadness about the end of their reproductive years. This question assumes a one-size-fits-all reaction. Keep in mind, people are experiencing menopause for many different reasons.

8. Does this mean you’re not interested in sex anymore?

Yes, menopause can affect libido, but this is a private matter and not an appropriate topic for casual conversation. If someone chooses to talk about their experience and invite others to have a conversation about the topic, then all well and good. If not, keep that question to yourself.

And if you’re a partner, lover spouse, then of course, you can have that conversation with your loved one in a loving and caring way.

9. Shouldn’t you be taking hormones?

Keep your opinions about what folks should be doing to your self. Medical decisions are personal and can be complex, including around menopause. Unsolicited advice about medical treatments can be overstepping.

Talking about hormones and telling someone they “should” take hormones are two entirely different things. Not even doctors should be telling patients they should be taking hormones. Their job is to educate, inform and let individuals make their own decisions.

Aren’t you worried about getting older?

Linking menopause to the aging process is insensitive and downright disrespectful. People experience menopause at various ages and for a slew of reasons, including women aging into the process, gender reassignment, folks who have total hysterectomies due to cancer treatments or uterine fibroids, and other reproductive illness. So yeah, don’t go there.

In conclusion

I know there are many more questions folks should not ask. And even though it’s changing, conversations about menopause are still often surrounded by shame, stigma or misunderstanding. So it’s important to remember that thoughtful silence can be more supportive than well-meaning but invasive questions. Think before you ask a question. Be mindful. Don’t be cutesy and be demure. Couldn’t help that.

Focus on being more compassionate, offering support without judgment or assumptions. By creating a safe, respectful space, we can help safely facilitate this transformative phase of life while empowering women to embrace their unique experiences with dignity and self-love.